Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
#gardening
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.
*youngest comes home from school with the flu*
Me: Not like that.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.