Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m giving up ice.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”
No. No you do not.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
don’t be scared
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets