Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

Fights fire with marshmallows

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”