Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Jurassic park gets weird

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no