Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Can. I. Help. You.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?