Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?