Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
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blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.