Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*updates tinder bio*
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨