Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
this post was so formative to me
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.