Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Lucky old June.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Blocked: 1985

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD