hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Every
Single
Year
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.