hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense