Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?