Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.