Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

what is cheese if not milk persevering

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin