Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane