Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

They’re called werewolves.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession