Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]

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[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]



If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.


“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies


Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.


I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.


“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere


There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.


Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?


Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.


A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?