Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I’m not stressed

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

This was the best day of my life

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew