Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Nice try Hitler

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.