Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.