Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime