Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes