Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.