Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Thaw me like one of your french fries