Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.