Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

opening twitter today

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

This is painfully accurate 😅

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.