Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

canadian assassins are called killergrams

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee