Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

🤣😂🤣

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.