Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Milk Cube

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves