Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

My dream car is a taco truck.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.