hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
How to draw a duck
Any refunds available?…
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.