hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.