hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
…u ok Nintendo?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
The internet is magic sometimes.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz