hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”![]()
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Aight bet
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.