hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.