hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda