No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Bring back the McRib
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.