Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
You Might Also Like
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.