Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter fine art

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost