Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

i now pronounce you bounced.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.