Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

My work here is don’t.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

This was the best day of my life

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.