Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces