Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Tough love is true love

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud