Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

I need to sieze this.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Spring of Deception

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.