Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.