Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

spicy snake

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom