Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”