Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.