Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd