Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

My age is news to me every single time I remember

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”