hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.