Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

How does someone manage that 🤨

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming