Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished