Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister ๐๐๐
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize heโs got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Investing in beetcoin
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself youโve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
โI donโt see color.โ
-dogs
checking out some reviews of my local library
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume theyโre about to tell us theyโre getting divorced
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Youโre all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.