Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.