Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️