Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
You Might Also Like
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”