Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.