Hey! This isn’t my car!
You Might Also Like
oh you like architecture? name three walls
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered