Hey! This isn’t my car!
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.