Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

how DARE

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.