Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

We have a winner.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Hilarious if literal: arms race

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

lol

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ