Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*