Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
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Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It’s his time
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”