Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw online –

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants

…or whatever that saying is

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.