Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Monday Lisa

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.