@KimmyMonte

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

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@Junk_Boat

One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…

It’s all in the delivery.

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

@Home_Halfway

[Enter Password]
abc1234
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

@Aspersioncast

If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.

@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

@LetsGoDoyers

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

@AdamOfEarth

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake