One thing I’ve learned about pizza jokes…
It’s all in the delivery.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.
Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?