Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

#math

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that