Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?