(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
What’s a Messi?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.