Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.