Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“just sayin” who asked you though?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

what’s the point then??

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids