HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party